Fazeel Khan / Male / 25 / Karachi

The Road to Recovery – Three Months Later

Nearly three months ago, I attempted suicide.

It wasn’t the first time I had done something of the sort, but it was definitely my most destructive attempt yet.

January 18th, 2018. It’s my 25th birthday. I’m surrounded by so many happy faces in my favorite restaurant. The love I feel radiating off of them towards me is simply amazing. I look at them and thank God for giving me so much to be grateful for. I must really be a nice person to be surrounded by so much positivity. This is the best day of my life.

July 3rd, 2018. I try to call the two people that used to be closest to me. Leave a text to one of them. I get no response. I have nearly lost everyone I once held so dear. Today has been the heaviest day of my life. The voice in my head that messes me up every time is louder than ever. I just can’t go on anymore. I need peace. I pick up 40 sleeping pills that I bought earlier in the day, and gulp them down all at once. My hands have never been this shaky. The tears just won’t stop. I close my eyes to go to sleep, hopefully never to wake up again.

The last couple of years in my personal life hadn’t really been that great overall.

My emotions had gone out of control one too many times. I no longer had a stable sense of who I was, because I just constantly kept feeling bad for the person I had become. My unstableness had gotten to the point where at one moment I would love the people in my life unconditionally and the other I’d start treating them as my worst enemies. I had completely lost the ability to differentiate between right or wrong. Not to mention the fact that there were still a lot of things fundamentally wrong with me such as my inability to be empathizing with others or my constant need to share as many things I could with the entire world even if I wasn’t actually supposed to. And to top it all off, while I was going through all of this, the faith in me that all the others had was slowly slipping away. And I knew. But no matter what I did, everything kept slipping away further from me. I was so afraid of losing the people in my life.

And then came a point where I actually did end up losing them. And that was the beginning of the end.

An extremely sexual yet brief romantic encounter, two breakups back to back, a suicide attempt, a complete meltdown in front of everyone close to me, and a near police arrest. It all went by in a flash, and the next thing I knew.. I had lost everything.

My social circle. My best friends. My favorite person. I lost it all. It took me a while to realize my worst fear had come true but by then it was all too late.

And now I had no choice. No hope. No one who’d listen to me cry. No one who’d tell me it’s okay. No one to be on my side, because no one wanted to be near a delusional, suicidal, overly emotional asshole. I was all alone.

I’ll never forget these words: “Fazeel, if I wanted to kill myself, I’d have done it quietly. I wouldn’t have created such a huge fuss trying to get everyone’s attention like you did.”

It wasn’t easy looking around and seeing nothing but resentment. I could have tried to kill myself again. But by that point I had realized I could never put my family through all of that again. It was heartbreaking to see their faith unravel as they saw me break. They were never prepared for all that happened to me. And I knew the very least I could do was not put them through all that ever again.

So after wallowing in misery for the longest time and making God knows how many unanswered phone calls to all the people I pushed away, I finally decided I had no other option but to pick up whatever that was left and drag myself out of the now-shipwreck which used to be my wonderful life.

The first thing I did was I started going for therapy because my family really wanted me to. And it was the right thing to do as I soon found out. I needed to focus on fixing the only thing I had left: myself.

Therapy really helped put things in perspective. It ordered a space where my feelings and emotions were validated. I’ve always been a person who is very self-motivated to pursue things that help me grow, and I tuned into that same self-motivation again with therapy. And it paid off.

A month later I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It was a huge day for me because it gave me hope. I realized all the things I had gone through weren’t for no reason. I understood that no one was to blame for the things that had happened. Many others like me had experienced similar troubles. It was a time to look back and forgive everyone for whatever that happened. But most importantly, the first thing I had to do was forgive myself. It was the hardest thing ever given how big of an enemy I had always been to my own self. But it was necessary. And doing that made me feel as if the weight of the world went off my shoulders.

I also started praying simultaneously while I was going through therapy, and I haven’t missed a prayer ever since which is definitely something that makes me feel so thankful and grateful. To this day, praying keeps me sane and helps me remain grounded and that very feeling is just so amazing. Apart from that, I started working out as I used to before, I began spending more time with myself, and reaching out to more people. It was incredible to see so much positivity reflect back on me once more in the form of real, genuine people who were there to lay a helping hand. I even got active on Twitter and that was the best thing ever because I found a home amongst so many people who were talking about mental health, which truly gave me an entirely different narrative of all the problems I had gone through as I listened to all those who were talking about their experiences.

Today, as I write this down, it still feels as if all my problems just happened yesterday. Because it’s merely been three months and the memories are still afresh in my mind. But one thing I know for sure, there’s so much more in life I need to see. So many things I still haven’t experienced. So many friends I still haven’t made. So many things I haven’t cried over. So many difficulties, heartbreaks, challenges, and accomplishments that I still haven’t gone through. And so much of life that I still haven’t lived.

I know life isn’t perfect. But nobody promised it would be. I had the most tormenting experiences this year, but while going through them all, I found myself. If you ask me now, I think I actually lived my life best while piecing myself back together. During this process I found so many good things about myself and began loving all the imperfect bits that belong to me.

All in all, I’m thankful to all the people that brought me here. I’m thankful to be alive.

If you’re reading this, I don’t care who you are, I don’t care what you’ve done, and I don’t care where you’re from. Please know that the problems you are facing don’t define the person that you are. Please believe me when I say this. I want you to feel better. I want you to be okay.

I love you. You are not alone. Please don’t kill yourself. Thank you so much for reading.