Female / 32 / Islamabad

You know the most dreadful sound in the world? It might be different for you, for me it’s the sound of my morning alarm clock. My dislike is mainly due to the fact that it brings me back to the land of consciousness, like “Hey, it’s yet another day, welcome back to the same old me and same old life”. Now, I know you would say that thousand new things could happen every day if you keep yourself occupied but let me assure you, if the outlook is same, nothing really changes, except the benign progression of age. This is what fighting depression is like to me, it’s every day, like a toxic relationship you can’t break off. Struggling with depression is different for anybody just like the reasons behind it and so are the coping mechanisms. Unfortunately, my depression does not stem from a single incident, my childhood was complicated, and my adult years were not kind either. But today, let’s talk about my rock bottom.

I grew up to be a very skeptic person, specially towards love. It seemed like a very calculating act to me, I saw people falling in love with the idea of love but when it came to protecting it, they did not. Even the closest of people in our life even family can be really cruel and leave us emotionally crippled. However, skeptic or not, everybody wants to be loved and despite our best judgement, at least once in life we think we are falling into the fairy tale version of love. Same happened to me, the eternal sarcastic yet a very sad girl fell in love too, and life became very beautiful for a while. I started to see things differently, started laughing and started believing and foolishly associated all my happiness with that one person and unconsciously made that person responsible for it.

Love can be burdensome too; truth is that most people do not wish to work at it. I was happy and thought I was finally saved from myself and my sadness but it was short-lived. It went from ‘it is too good to be true’ to well ‘it was too good to be true’. It turned out that even my best was not good enough, I was not worth it, after which everything started to break down, my heart, my belief, my pride, my sense of joy and my rationality along with it. I have already lost both my parents and now I had to let go of this person too. It was the worst possible timing in the world because, all the people that I was angry with were now way out of my reach to make amends or to forgive. There is no right order to go through things that affects us emotionally, so for me numbness came next and it stayed for quite a while. Numbness might be nature’s best survival instinct because it keeps you from completely shutting down. However, the drawback of keep going like that is the ultimate emotional detachment. It’s the black hole of the depression, when you don’t realize you need help, you need support and you need warmth that can thaw the ice around your heart, so you can heal. I did exactly that, I didn’t go through my pain but tried to go around it, and that is something we should never do.

The silence I invited back then never left me completely. At first, I became highly functional in a sense, because I blocked everything, everyone and just studied or worked. I pushed myself to the limit so each night I was too exhausted to do anything, less alone think. I was particularly afraid of memories, they were all bad, good memories because they were good and bad memories because they were…well bad. I kept myself occupied and it worked for a while but then I started getting terrible dreams and my sleep was reduced to one to two hours maximum. I was never cowardly, I never wanted to escape anything but this time I just wanted everything to go quiet to get some peace. Fatigue, lack of sleep, suppressed hurt and self-anger finally pushed me to edge and finally, I attempted suicide. To be honest, it was the most embarrassing moment of my life, and I was still alive to face it. Sitting on a hospital bench, when my friend finally asked what happened, I answered him that I failed, “you failed? How? Why?” he asked, “I failed, due to the lack of information, I guess” I said. He stared at me for a while and then started laughing, after a while I joined him too. That day I understood the value of humor while crying, I failed in life and I failed at dying too because I didn’t know how to do it properly. For better or worse, this event changed my life. I gave up on putting a brave face, I let go of my false ego and accepted the help I needed.

Today I know that life really isn’t fair, and we are going to get hurt a lot, but it still is alright. I will be alright. I am not fully there yet, I am still struggling but I am not going to ever give up again. Even with all my faults, all my shortcomings and misfortunes I am fighting. Fighting the loneliness, fighting the bad days, fighting the urge to detach. It’s not easy, but I force myself to be around people, listen to others, make others laugh because I know now, I can’t fight alone. So please if you are reading this, don’t give up, get help and be alright even when it’s the hardest thing to do. Punch, crawl, cry, do whatever it takes but find your way out of that black hole and stop waiting around to be rescued. Rescue yourself.