This is not a typical story of me as person. These are just some random thoughts. This is the story of the events happening with me. This is not the justification but this is me trying to justify the events that happened to, and with me. People think I am a bad person because I made many mistakes in my life. I admit that I made these mistakes – as a person I am not good or maybe I am good but my mistakes overshadowed the goodness inside me. I don’t know when I was trapped inside my mind or one can say I don’t know when my mind trapped me.
The mind is very complex thing, it thinks and it analyzes and it tells the body to act on the very same thoughts and analysis- but what if the mind startsto think and analyze incorrectly and you started to act without knowing. This is what happened with me, and doctors told me this is schizophrenia. To become the patient of schizophrenia was not my fault. I never want to be the patient of schizophrenia. I want to be the so called “sane” person.
This is common practice here in Pakistan and in our society that if any person is diagnosed with any kind of mental disorder or any kind of mental illness, our society starts to think that this person is insane, mad and only place for that person is a mental asylum. But before reaching to the stage of mental asylum a person diagnosed with any kind of mental illness need to go through from many stages, similar to a video game.
In my case, in 2007 I started to meet and talk to people and then I wouldn’t be able to meet or talk to them again. I thought maybe there is something supernatural going on with me. Maybe some jinns or some magic bothering me. I don’t know what, but I was not comfortable at all.
I used to tell my family that I have too much of a migraine and I have too many rashes on my body. But the only answer from my family was that I was running away from my problems and that I am just being dramatic. They told me I am very sinful and this is Karma, and so on. That this is the curse of Allah so I need to ask forgiveness. At that time I had no problems. Maybe I did but I didn’t realize those problems.
Now that I know what the schizophrenia is and how it affects a person, I came to know that all this was the beginning of the mental disorder. It’s not like I didn’t come to the family. I came to the family I discussed what is happening with me. I told them all. Later on I had financial losses due to those thoughts and people. I told my family that I meet unknown people I am not able to meet them again.
I told my family that something wrong is going on which I am not able to understand. I told my family where ever I put money or my valuables somewhere safe at home, I lost the money and I lost the things. The only answer I was getting from all was you lost the money somewhere else and are just creating stories. You are doing drama. You are lying.
In fact those things were happening with me.They continued to happen for long time. Maybe when I write these things now, I will get the whole new version of these things from all the people around me. But whatever they tell me or they told me in the past I don’t remember. Many things even if I try to recall, I cannot. All the people around me present many things in front of me again and again to tell me I was wrong and all other people were right. If i don’t remember many of these things, how I can tell or convince myself that I was right or I was wrong.
From many years, I just made a habit that whenever someone tells me something, that I did this or I did that and I was wrong, I just say yes as I can not recall.
One of the worst things that happened during that time was that I lost my words. It was very difficult for me to talk, specially face to face. I was not able to recall words and I was saying the same thing over and over. What I wanted to say was always in my mind, but I did not know how to put those thoughts in words.
Now, I admit that I was wrong and every other person was right. But at least all the right people can make me remember as those things are like clean slate in my mind but instead all the people only remind me of one thing – that you lied and you were doing drama.
According to definition, Schizophrenia is a psychosis, a type of mental illness in which a person cannot tell what is real and what is imagined. A sudden change in personality and behavior, which occurs when schizophrenia sufferers lose touch with reality, is called a psychotic episode.
So when I already lost a touch with reality and after sometime coming out of that that psychotic episode, how can I tell others what exactly happened with me? I was only telling them what I remember and only thing I remember is that I met people. I don’t know who I met but I was not able to meet those people again in life. Those people were asking me to do certain things. At the time of those episodes the people I meet or talk always found them most friendly and most helping.
Problem only arises when I was not able to find those people again or not able to find those deals which I use to do and telling everyone very happily that I did that deal or I have that success in that field of business. After sometime when nothing was happening, I was always clueless why – where those people went, why I am not able to meet them , what is happening. Then the words surrounded me was you are a liar. You are creating stories. I always had no justification only words I was able to say ” I don’t know”. In my mind I was doing right things were very clear in front of me. Maybe in actuality, nothing was happening which I was not able to figure. Even if I tried to give some justifications, I was not able to find the right words.
I am not blaming anyone, I am just telling my part of the story. Every story has always two sides. This is my side of the story .
Maybe I was wrong, maybe I am right, maybe I was always a liar, maybe I am always creating a story. I think now this is the time to tell everyone what actually was in my mind. What actually was happening to me. Maybe after that I will be able to justify myself. Maybe after that people will able to forgive me. Maybe after that I will able to see my kids. Maybe after that I will able to see my wife.