I’ve been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I have jumped from one relationship to the next, repeating the same patterns in each of them, ultimately unsuccessfully. I have done the same with jobs, and am now only continuing my current job out of the crippling fear that nobody will want to hire a job-hopper like myself. I claim to be an ally of the feminist movement. I think I genuinely believe in it as well. But in my personal relationships, I have entered as a rescuer, and shuffled between persecutor and victim in an abusive manner repeatedly. I have hurt people I claimed to love, forced them to be dependent on me, manipulatively broken their sense of self-worth in an attempt to engage complete dependency on me. I set impossible standards of perfection, and harboured resentment for any amount of failure.
In my job, I have repeatedly started out by idolising the people I work for, and then focusing on all of their faults to paint them as incompetent and evil, and myself as a victim of circumstance and environment. My performance has been erratic, as has my motivation. I have self-harmed, and repeatedly fantasised about, and even threatened, suicide. I don’t think I’ve ever seriously considered it, but I have lied and exaggerated about it on several occasions. I don’t know why I did it, I felt compelled in those moments to do it. I don’t have a traumatic back-story. No real reason to feel the way I do. My parents weren’t great at giving me the space to be myself and pay attention to my emotions, but they tried in earnest – and weren’t really abusive or neglectful.
I have told stories about childhood tragedy that aren’t true, so that I can justify my current suffering. I don’t believe I am worthy of the suffering I feel. I struggle to see myself beyond the transactional value I can offer to those around me. I can’t comprehend the concept of an identity beyond that – although reading online has helped me to at least become aware that this is a problem. I am seeking professional help, but don’t have a choice about who I can go to. I like my therapist but don’t necessarily think she is best suited for me. But I don’t have the ability to “shop around”.